(an NSFW original article)

Everyone is a newbie at some point, and nerves are a natural part of any first-time venture. When it comes to the world of BDSM, however, it’s particularly easy to get caught up in various emotions and concerns surrounding your first foray. So whether you’ve been playing with the idea for a while, or you’re plunging into the proverbial deep end, there's stuff you should consider before actually stepping over the threshold. Compiled below-things we wish we’d known going into our first BDSM experiences.

Consent is Sexy (And Non-Negotiable)

As with any sexual endeavor, knowing your personal boundaries, and being able to gauge those of potential partners, is vital. While a kink party may seem to the outsider or first-timer like an environment devoid of rules, consent is in fact at the center of every exchange. It is very important to keep enthusiastic consent (yeah, you’ll hear that phrase a lot), in mind as you make your way through the party. A good rule of thumb? If you’re not sure, ask. After all, few things are sexier then a breathy “May I touch you?”

Know That You CAN Just Watch

It’s your first time at the rodeo; no one is expecting you to ride the bull (or the automatic fuck machine). Even some longtime kinksters opt to just mingle and watch the action. You should never feel that you are pushing yourself to do anything you don’t want to. As long as you are involving yourself in a way that makes you happy and fulfilled, that’s enough. Only participate in what makes you feel comfortable and desirable.

There Will be Sex

Whether it seems obvious to you or not, it can be jarring to the uninitiated. Most parties will have designated rooms or sectioned off areas for couples looking to get down to it, but you should still be prepared to see some sex acts on full display. In that scenario, or with individuals participating in, say, some good old fashioned spanking, make sure to respect their space (unless, of course, they ask you to join).

You Don’t Need to Know Your Kink Orientation

If you’ve been planning to go to a BDSM party for a while, chances are you’ve heard the basic terminology. Dominant and submissive are good jumping-off points, but they are certainly not the only ones to pick from. Like dabbling in both? You may be a “switch”. Into mixing pain with pleasure? You could be a masochist. There are a lot of fun orientations for you to research and experiment with. You shouldn’t, however, feel pressured to have that all figured out before attending your first party. Roles and preferences always have room to change, and the more into it you get, the more you’ll learn about your own.

Think About How You’d Like Things to go BEFOREHAND

While it isn’t necessary (or realistic), to have an exact hour-to-hour plan for the evening, it does help to have an idea of what you’d like to accomplish. Never been tied up but dying to try? Bring some rope and ask someone who knows what they’re doing for pointers (or a personal demo). Think you may want to just feel out the space and socialize? Put aside time to do that. Your goals will likely realign themselves as you get your bearings, but if you go into your first party (or any party, for that matter) with a basic understanding of your desires and expectations, you’ll be much more likely to get what you want out of the experience.

Dress for Confidence and Comfort

Think about that tried and true first date advice to “Wear what makes you comfortable”. Your party outfit should make you feel sexy AND secure. If latex and chains isn’t your thing, go for a more subdued ensemble. If you wear something too outside your comfort zone, you run the risk of feeling awkward. Choose a look that makes you feel capable and desirable, and let the other considerations fall into place from there.

Remember to Have Fun

This is obvious and cliché, sure, but it can be easy to forget with the sensory overload of a party in full swing. Check in with yourself throughout the night, and take a breather (literal or emotional) whenever necessary. Again, avoid pressuring yourself to participate any more then you want to. There will always be another party.

Other words of experience: If you do take your clothes off, put them in a corner or in a locker or closet (most venues will have a coat check). Also consider what you’re going to wear to and from the party. Know that if the venue isn’t residential, it will probably be BYOB-prepare accordingly, and keep track of your alcohol consumption if you choose to imbibe. Take note of any house rules as you enter, and check in with any companions throughout the evening.