How to Get Your Vibrator Through Airport Security
Travel is always better with friends. They keep things exciting, put out good vibes, ease your tension, and some even have special attachments for dual clitoral/G-spot stimulation. OK, so not friends—vibrators. But how should one travel with vibrators? Do you check them, so you don't get put on blast in the security line? Or is your favorite vibe too precious to leave to chance? Some vibrators are irreplaceable, and we've all heard stories of lost luggage or items in checked bags going "missing." The TSA's list of prohibited items does not list a single sex toy. But they do have a rule that says you have to check "tools" over seven inches long. Is a sex toy a tool?
Redditor bc_I_said_so doesn't think so. "Are you planning to use it in construction of a woodworking project? And TSA people know what dildos are." Sure, most TSA agents know what dildos are, but that doesn't mean they approve. Take Renee Koutsouradis, who was ordered off a plane in 2002 because her suitcase was vibrating. In the ensuing lawsuit, Koutsouradis alleged that Delta baggage crew took her vibrator out of her bag and held it up for all to see, then made lewd sexual comments like "Doesn't your husband satisfy you?" and "Come on Baby, let me satisfy you." Even a pro-toy TSA agent can still be a handful. In 2011, writer Jill Filipovic opened her checked bag to find a note from the TSA informing her that her bag had been searched. A handwritten addendum advised Filipovic to "get your freak on, girl," presumably referring to the vibrator she had checked. Filipovic did not get her freak on. Rather, she filed a complaint. The TSA agent who wrote the note was later fired.
This is really the whole problem with the TSA. The rules under which they operate are pretty vague, which makes most enforcement a matter of personal discretion. TSA agents are just like you and me. Some are fine, some are jerks, some are creeps. Most, however, are just trying to do their job with as little hassle as possible. And, these horror stories notwithstanding, they are not shocked by your vibrator. After seeing ten cooked guinea pigs, a silver bullet isn't going to rate. "We see toys on the X-ray machine all the time," said one Redditor/TSA agent. "As long as they don't look like they're stuffed with explosives, the operator will let it go."
Sex toy outfitters Crave recommend using "three simple words" to avoid getting your toys confiscated as possible pilot murder weapons: "That's my vibrator."
The trick to traveling your Rabbit is clarity. Bag your toy in a Ziploc, take the batteries out, and label the bag as a "SEX TOY USED FOR FUCKING NOT MURDERING CIVILIANS." If you check your vibrator, put it in an inside compartment of your bag, because zippers on outside pockets have a habit of breaking. According to one TSA agent I spoke to, your bag will only be searched "if the equipment's alarms [go off] on certain things, like books/magazines/iPads/laptops/large amounts of liquids." A silicone dildo might set off the density alarm, so that's where the labelling comes in handy. Lithium batteries have to be stored in your carry-on, because a faulty lithium battery can ignite the jet fuel, as the baggage and fuel compartments are very close together.
If you take your vibrator in your carry-on, the same basic rules apply. Bag the toy (because if the bag is searched, you don't want stranger-hands on Mr. Buzzy), take out the batteries, and be ready to identify your sex toy as such. If you do get pulled aside, you can always ask for the search to be conducted behind a privacy screen.
Sex toy outfitters Crave recommend using "three simple words" to avoid getting your toys confiscated as possible pilot murder weapons: "That's my vibrator." Say it to the TSA agent, write it on little notes in your suitcase, have a T-shirt made with a picture of you holding your vibrator and wear it every time you travel. If that all sounds too embarrassing, Crave suggests finding cute euphemisms, like "Marital Aid," "Personal Toy," or "Anal-geddon." You could also practice saying "that's my vibrator" over and over again in the mirror, like a mantra, until the words lose all meaning. Perhaps it will empower you to take control of your sexual destiny. Try emphasizing different words. That's MY vibrator. THAT'S my vibrator. That's my vibra-TOR. Set your phone to autocorrect "lollllll" to "that's my vibratorrrrr." Whisper it to your houseplants. With your new sexual openness, you'll be able to conquer anything the TSA throws at you. Including your vibrator.