Why Is This Pipe Also a Dildo?
Sometimes a thing does not need to be another thing. Perhaps the Platonic form of this sentiment is the Original Peter Piper Pecker Puffer glass pipe dildo, a tool that brings to form two types of transcendence but nevertheless begs the question: Why?
The hybrid weed pipe and sex toy is exactly what it suggests. In the quintessentially American tradition of the "two-in-one" (sometimes regionally known as a "twofer"), the Peter Piper is simply a dildo attached to a bowl. It is forged by the understanding that pleasure should be both maximum and efficient, as well as the fact that cannabis tends to tempt the erotic. Research suggests that "the results of taking cannabis are considerably influenced by the individual's expectations or by the social or cultural setting," and the smokable dildo certainly does set the tone.
The dildo pipe promises to deliver on the promise that sex raises but can hardly ever fulfill, but the device's packaging doesn't appear to be going for sultry. Peter Piper's branding leads at once with its straightforward utility and its strong suit: puns. In fact, Peter Piper almost appears to have spontaneously reverse-engineered itself from the rhyme, "Smoke it then poke it!" More exclamations follow. "Yes," the package smugly adds in an all-caps serif font, "we did!"
They did, indeed. "They" are an online sex toy company called Pipedreams. On the company's blog, Pipedreams describes their brand as "bold, edgy, and aggressive." Now a purveyor of sex toys, the company initially started out as a pipe and paraphernalia wholesaler, but were shut down by the FBI. Needing to diversify their business, Pipedreams got into gag gifts and soon started developing and manufacturing their own sex toys. As such, the Original Peter Piper Pecker Puffer is a glimmering beacon of the company's past, present, and future. Tragically, however, it has been discontinued without explanation and is no longer available on Pipedreams's site, though it's still available on Amazon (four-and-a-half stars) and other online sex toy shops with web 1.0 aesthetics.
"Suck both ends!"
The company also owns Jimmyjane, an upscale sex toy brand that has been called "the Apple of sex toys." Jimmyjane sells a 24-karat gold vibrator of which Kate Moss is supposedly a fan, but it's hard to image the Peter Piper in the same league. At first glance, a glass dildo that can be smoked like a pipe seems ridiculous. At second glance, it seems seriously unsafe. "I feel a little concerned putting anything made of glass deep into an orifice," wrote "Ira Glass" in a preemptive review of the product. This is an intuitive worry, not to mention that the glass will also be frequently heated.
Upon purchasing my "Original" Peter Piper Pecker Puffer glass dildo for $49.95 plus shipping from a Canadian website whose domain ended in .net, my colleagues and loved ones expressed grave concern for my vagina. "Be careful," was a frequent response. But—a little disappointingly—the smoke does not fill the entire eight-inch phallic extension like a chamber. So, as a dick, the Peter Piper is more legitimate than expected. This runs contrary to the prominent copy that reads, "Suck both ends!" on the back of the package that makes the Peter Piper appear to be a Spencer Gifts bargain bin find.
Smoke it then poke it!
The dildo is made of solid, sturdy glass, and it stays cool to the touch while smoking. Glass is a common material for sex toys, it turns out—especially in the realm of butt plugs and dildos. Hardened glass is durable and non-porous. In contrast to the low expectations it set up for itself, the Peter Pecker's quality is stunning, especially to a really stoned person. The dildo is weighty and substantial, but the bowl is impossibly light.
Which brings me to my next point: Another aspect of the Peter Piper is that it got me really stoned. As it must fit snugly against a large dildo, the glass pipe is fairly large, deep, and not at all unpleasant to smoke out of. Certainly, one does not look "cool" while doing it, but it works—and, obviously, the more I used it, the more I liked it. As we spent the night together, Peter Piper won me over, living up to its own hype. ("It's the magical glass you'll never want to pass!") I slowly came to realize that when we ask "Why?" the dildo pipe answers, "Why not?"